Waiting For The Other Shoe To Drop: Why Can’t I Relax?

From wikipedia; wait for the other shoe to drop: To await a seemingly inevitable event, especially one which is not desirable.

Why can’t I relax and go with the flow?  We are going thru a really good stretch with Kyle right now, pretty much since September.

The summer was EXTREMELY ROUGH for Mr. Kyle and therefore for mom & dad with multiple violent meltdowns per day.

But since September he’s been pretty great probably due to his drugs kicking in and starting to work, him liking his new school, and who knows what else?  But it’s been pretty much peace, quiet, and happiness for Mr Kyle since September.

So why can’t I relax?

He started school 2 weeks late due to a huge f&$k up by our school district and there was complete stress involved.  Lawyers, letters, meetings, etc.

Then in mid September he finally started school and for 9 weeks we had bliss.  And about half way thru those 9 weeks I kinda/ sorta started to exhale and relax and enjoy just the monotony of everyday life and then in late November the other shoe dropped and he got kicked out of school for 2 weeks because of his breath holding issues.

And that brought about another 2 weeks of complete stress and more lawyers, doctors, meetings, etc.

He returned to school in early December and we’ve had a pretty good 6-7 weeks since then.

Kyle’s been pretty good behaviorally.  Aside from the breath holding which still continues he’s had no major medical issues.  He seems to be enjoying school.  He’s eating a bit better than before.  The weather in the NYC area has been quite mild this winter.  He hasn’t been making a ton of progress, but that’s not as important to me anymore. Lately, it’s all about his happiness & health & outlook.

And he’s been healthy & happy lately.  So why can’t I relax?  Why am I continually waiting for the other shoe to drop?

The teacher comes out to talk to me about something when I dropped Kyle off at school yesterday and my heart skipped a beat and I thought “OH NO, WHAT NOW?” (and it was nothing major…)

Whenever my wife calls or texts me during the work day, my first thought is “OH CRAP, WHAT HAPPENED?” (and usually it’s a totally random question like “I’m at the supermarket.  Do you need anything?  🙂

Also when there’s peace & bliss on our little “Autism Avenue” then I get bogged down and stressed about the little things…

“Why is the ABA therapist 5 minutes late?”  “Why was his swim lesson only 29 minutes?”  “Why can’t I find the remote!?” “F–king traffic!”

Stupid mundane things that I totally wouldn’t even give a thought during the real stressful times become my stressful triggers during times of bliss.  And this is me on drugs!  I wonder how crazy I’d be if I wasn’t on drugs?!

So again, why am I continually waiting for the other shoe to drop?

Now let me take a step back to say that I know the other shoe will drop at some point.  We’ve been living this Autism Life for over 6 years and the other shoe always drops.  I’m a realist and there will be another major crisis right around the corner.  There always is with this kid.

Between the stresses of trying to prep and get a 24 hour EEG to rule out seizures, or his “Summer Of Rage/ Meltdowns”, or getting several xrays of his leg due to the mystery limp he had on & off for 2 years, or getting MRI’s / CATSCAN’s due to a strange bump on his head, or having a cyst removed from his eye, or him going under general anesthesia for 2 cavities and them finding 7
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we’ve had our share of stresses & crisis’s over the years.

Now some of these things might only last an hour or two, but you all know how it works.  It’s the stress that leads up to it that is the killer.

And like I said, I know there will be another crisis right around the corner, so why can’t I just relax this time and enjoy this period of peace & preosperity while it lasts?